|
|
some dubious ruffian without the chops
|
|
|
| I have 15. |
[18 Apr 2006|11:06pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 watching days |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Cody ChesnuTT - The Seed |
] |
Yeah, I did it too. Come on, like all of us aren't going to eventually.
2. Your enthusiasm, your unwavering devotion to what you love is a never-ending source of inspiration to me. Sometimes when I feel like nothing is worth it, I stop and I think about how much you genuinely care about things, and how not jaded you are, and I realize that things aren’t as bad as I think they are.
3. After years of trying, I think I’ve finally come to be able to accept you as a friend on both of our own terms, and it makes it a lot easier than always trying to negotiate some sort of quota of time for us to spend with you. Basically nowadays, no one really cares if you don’t want to see anyone, and we don’t try to get you to if you don’t want to. Thus, we’re able to communicate as equals, and none of us have to feel like you’d SO much rather be doing something cooler with someone cooler and more cultured than us.
4. This pretty much gives away who this is, but rather than try and list how much you mean to me, I’ll just defer to some lyrics by Tupac: “there’s no way I can pay you back, but my plan is to show you that I understand;” “ain’t a woman alive that can take my mama’s place;” “now I understand for a woman it ain’t easy tryin’ to raise a man.” I love you.
5. The last thing I want is to make you feel that you have no right to exist. I have an enormous amount of respect for you. You genuinely make me feel like my ideas about people, gender roles, society, etc. aren’t totally for nothing.
6. Pretty much the entire time I’ve known you has described a futile attempt on my part to find understanding with you, and to be able to comprehend the reasons why you do the things you do. I don’t understand how someone can be as good as I know you are, but at the same time so carelessly do things that are so incredibly hurtful to so many people. You are so important to me, but like everyone, I want you to find yourself and not worry so much about presenting an idea of yourself that other people will like. [EDIT] However, I don't want you to think for a second that this means I love you any less than I do. Nothing is ever going to change that. You know what kind of stuff I'm talking about when I say that stuff before. It's all water under the bridge. All I mean when I say that stuff is that I want you to be happy, and to be happy with yourself.
7. It takes a big man to do some of the things you’ve done. It takes a small man to say some of the things you’ve said. But I’m able to reconcile these two extremes by reminding myself that the latter is really just an act. I think I know pretty close to who the real you is, and he’s a genuine stand-up guy.
8. You might just be the most talented person I know. You’re humble enough so that I’m sure you’d never think this was you, but it is. You don’t just do things and call it serviceable like I do, you have a genuine gift for the craft, and I think it’s incredible. Also, like #2, your passion for and unwavering devotion to your stuff is downright inspiring to me.
9. I’m glad I can go to you and always know that you’ll be able to say something to make me laugh. I mean, I could go on for a lot longer about how good of a friend you are, but the first thing I think of about you is that you are always, always able to make me laugh. You don’t know how much I’ve appreciated that sometimes.
10. Not that I didn’t learn a lot from my father, but honestly, most of what I know and understand about being a man I really learned from you. If I’m able to be a fraction of the man you were, I’ll be lucky. My image of you is still the one I have from when I was little, of you driving a big tractor or that big old Chevy truck with the brown and cream paneling on it, which, not surprisingly, you looked great behind the wheel of. You were downright iconic, an outdoorsman, a farmer, a coal miner, a bad ass, a Cherokee Daniel Boone, a liberal John Wayne, an uneducated genius, a family man, the very embodiment of all the best aspects of virility that make me realize that it’s possible to be a man and still do good things. I wish I could’ve told you all this in person, but I know you can hear me wherever you are.
11. I don’t hate you. I think the circumstances surrounding certain things were certainly less than desirable, but I don’t have anything against you. It’s just that naturally, when someone is exposed way more to one certain point of view, they’re going to find it more relatable and sympathetic.
12. I can’t remember the last time I actually told you I loved you, but what I love about our relationship is that that’s not the important thing, because it’s so obvious. A lot of kids I think probably wouldn’t appreciate the things you’ve done, and they would say you were “distant” or whatever, but fuck that. You’ve been amazingly supportive, especially when most people in your position would probably be pressuring me to stop being creative and just shut up and play sports or whatever, but you never cared about that. You knew what was really important, and you are, I think the reason I am the way I am about music, about movies, about whatever. I learned that things like that don’t have to just be something to entertain you. They can, and by most rights they well should be, damn well near a salvation. Thank you.
13. One year ago tonight, I made the biggest mistake of my entire life. I mean, don’t get me wrong, you don’t even begin to register when I think of things that mean anything to me. Your worthless life is only relevant to me in any way because of a certain monetary amount. Once I get this back, which I WILL, I will gleefully never think of you again. You think it’s over, but it’s not. I will see you in court if I have to.
14. I guess I can’t speak for everyone else, but I know that I can say that when I talk about you and it sounds like I’m making a joke or something, I know inside of me that it’s not funny at all. I find myself, as I think we all do, resorting to ridiculing things like your music and not being accepting of your lifestyle because I simply cannot begin to admit to myself that you may be gone forever, and thinking that it may be partly my fault is something that I seriously struggle to deal with every day. These words mean absolutely nothing to you, because I’ve flat out said them to you before, and they just bounced off of you, but the truth is that I love you like family and it kills me to think of how much potential you could have if you’d just come out of this. I think it really bothers everyone, but it’s absolutely killing me. I know you’re still in there.
15. From the bottom of my heart, thank you for being born. You have been there for me through good times and bad, and you always know just what to say. You are such an inspiration to me.
|
|
| I don't get it. |
[03 Apr 2006|10:49pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 wtf |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
morrissey - dear god, please help me |
] |
Throughout the entire two and a half years that I was a student at IU, I constantly heard stuff like "yeah, you're going to the wrong school if you wanna do film studies, you should transfer," and so on, just generally making me feel stupid for ever having gone there in the first place.
Today, I met with my Mass Comm advisor at WKU. She asked me, "what made you ever want to transfer from IU to little old WKU? That's a real well-known name school."
Can I ever just do ANYTHING right?
|
|
|
[04 Feb 2006|01:42am] |
Eacyellowsub: Dude
Eacyellowsub: what if you looked at it, and it was like,
Eacyellowsub: Just chillen, bein yourself
Eacyellowsub: and suddenly, Evan Campbell was living your life
Eacyellowsub: like, you went to circuit city and he was working there posing as you
Razor Boy SD: Dude, that'd be WEIRD
Eacyellowsub: and you went home, and he was THERE
Eacyellowsub: and your FAM was calling him ian
Eacyellowsub: THINK about it
Eacyellowsub: and it all started with "Just chillen, bein yourself"
Razor Boy SD: Dude, that is creepy as fuck
|
|
| Hermanos Head |
[19 Jan 2006|04:56pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 contemplative |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
jenn sleeping |
] |
I just received this message on myspace.
-----
Date: Jan 18, 2006 6:59 PM
Subject: A&R Selection
Body:
Dear Visions of Cody,
My name is Rita.
I work for the A&R executives who select songs for potential signing and/or TV/Film placement. They make their decisions based on specific criteria that they are responsible for finding music/artists for.
One or more of your songs have been selected for a deal.
Please contact us IMMEDIATELY at our Los Angeles office@ 323-924-5897
or reply to this message with you best contact phone..
Thanks, and keep making great music!
Rita
Submissions Department
A&R Select
www.arselect.com
011606-p-3e
-----
What do you guys think I should do? Do you think this is real, or just a spam thing?
Hmmm (pun intended.)
|
|
| Lyrically Granted, Spiritually Lifted |
[26 Dec 2005|10:24pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 awake |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Badfinger - Meanwhile Back at the Ranch/Should I Smoke |
] |
\\ best of the year
1. party: Ian's birthday party.
2. show: Everybody Hates Chris.
3. cd: Aimee Mann - The Forgotten Arm, and although it didn't actually come out this year, the "album of 2005" was definitely Morrissey - You Are The Quarry.
4. movie: Melinda and Melinda.
5. song: New Order - Hey Now What You Doing; Lomed - Riding Thoughts
6. experience: the last three months or so.
7. concert: the Finn Brothers free in-store.
8. book: well, I finally read Bill Clinton My Life this year, so I'll just go ahead and say that.
9. month: November, and this winter break so far.
10. day: October 1, November 18-27, this past week.
\\ worst of the year:
1. party: the entire night of September 24, the night of the "Pimps and Hoes"/"Mardi Gras" parties, that really served as the line in the sand and made me understand that I didn't belong in Bloomington. Also, a certain night in Evansville in August when I found myself around a bunch of stupid fuck-ups doing nitrous cartridges and flailing around on the floor being stupid when I really truly asked myself for the first time, "why the FUCK do I deal with this shit?"
2. show: just the usual, everything.
3. cd: I dunno. I guess I don't have ASBD to kick around in this category anymore. Oh well.
4. movie: Sin City.
5. song: Black Eyed Peas - My Humps
6. experience: ever having met and dated a particular person
7. concert: I don't think I saw any other live music this year.
8. book: I don't know.
9. month: January, August, early September.
10. day: January 23
\\ hopes for 2006:
1. predict something that you think will happen in 2006?: I'll like WKU better than IU.
2. what do you hope changes about your country?: Whatever I said last year.
3. what do you hope for yourself?: that everything goes okay in my new environs.
4. what do you hope for your family?: That everyone does okay.
5. what do you hope for your best friends?: that everyone just gets it together. This can mean different things for everyone, but however you read it, I hope it happens.
\\ during 2005:
1. where were you when it began?: Aleah and Tom's, where I was housesitting.
2. did you stay up?: Yes.
3. what was your new year wish?: to get over MONO (UGH)
4. how many girlfriends?: three.
5. broke up?: two, yes, thankfully.
8. new friends?: Chino.
9. had to say goodbye?: to Chino, sadly, and to Bloomington, happily.
11. win anything?: an air hockey game.
12. best place you went to?: Bowling Green.
13. worst place you went to?: Bloomington and Evansville.
15. how was your birthday?: it was okay.
16. best present?: a full lap-dance.
I find that a lot of these answers are just the same as last year, but then again, there's a lot that weren't, for very, very happy reasons.
By the way, this is coming early this year because this will be the last time I have access to a computer in 2005, since I'm headed to Wisconsin tomorrow to meet some of Jenn's family. I'm looking forward to this a lot.
2005 was pretty up and down. Everything that happened seemed to be big, for better or worse. Let's just say there were several instances of finding out things I didn't really want to know, things that really shook me up, but that rather than making me feel anger or resentment, really just mostly made me feel more a sense of resigned, saddened bemusement and total pity, along with the hope that it wouldn't always have to be like this. This is part of what I was talking about in a couple of the responses above.
Oh well. Better luck next year, guys. Until then, don't you dare lose the smooth.
-The Integral Cog
|
|
| Goodbye, Koko |
[14 Dec 2005|05:43pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 optimistic |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
The Brisk - Thought I Grew Up? |
] |
Well, I guess this is it. As I'm sure you all know right now, this will be my last livejournal entry as a student of Indiana University. It's funny, because I can imagine most of the other people writing these words and following it up with some stupid bullshit like "I wish I could stay forever" and "here's to times we'll never remember and friends we'll never forget," and all that crapola that the people in facebook groups like this http://indiana.facebook.com/group_profile.php?gid=14043 love to wallow in.
Well, as you may have guessed, I'm not really gonna do that. Instead, I'm just going to sit and think about my time here, and talk about how it actually was.
Not to rehash the usual cliches, but yeah, freshman year was very much an extension of high school. I didn't really meet anyone new, and I spent the entire year basically holed up in my dorm or Ian's dorm, playing NBA Live '95, watching movies, getting into Fellini and Godard, and tinkering on the script of what would become Filth and Degradation. Freshman year was definitely a year of simple pleasures. There weren't really any extraordinary highs or shattering lows, and that was actually kind of nice, after the roller coaster ride of high school, to not have any emotional investments (well, actually I kinda did for a while, but I was able to keep that relatively in check) and to be able to really put life into perspective and enjoy the things in life that we often forget to appreciate, such as the Cajun burger at Ron Howard's, as those of us in the know called it back in its non-Bloomintonized heyday. At the beginning of freshman year, Warren Zevon passed on, and I feel that Ian and I really took his virtual parting shot telling everyone to "enjoy every sandwich" to heart throughout the year, because we did, whether it came from Big Mouth Subs or Dagwood's, where I will be eating the DOUBLE Dagwood tonight as my final farewell to this town that I have (not) called home for the last two and a half years of my life.
Sophomore year was kind of like the mirror image of freshman year, except its polar opposite at the same time. I still hung out with the same people and didn't meet many new people, but the new people I did meet factored much, much more into my life. Sophomore year I like to refer to as my "college" year, because even though I still didn't lead the typical "college" lifestyle, I was interacting with new people from places other than New Albany, and for the first and probably last time in my college career, I actually liked some of the classes I was taking. There for a while, back in like, March and April, it seemed like Bloomington was really the place to be. It seemed like I was really on an even keel as far as everything was concerned. I liked all my classes, my schedule for the first semester of junior year looked really promising, I was able to strike a perfect balance of meeting new people and making new connections while at the same time still keeping it real and maintaining my friendships from everyone back at the Motherland, and everything just seemed to be going right.
Then, this summer happened. This summer, all the energy I'd had going into the end of sophomore year was suddenly sapped, as I took it upon myself to stupidly spend the bulk of my emotional resources on...well, you know what I spent it on, and I don't want to talk about it. But it wasn't just that. Suddenly, I was creatively stifled, as my heretofore steady progress on my second full-length script slowly ground to a dead halt (and has yet to be picked up again, as Bunnie, I Loved You will probably join Breadtime 2: I am the Doctor and Classical in Rabbit Film Company's ever-growing list of white whale projects) and RFC commenced work on the film that would prove to be our Apocalypse Now. Considering how many times we almost came to blows with each other during the shooting, it's a genuine miracle that all of us emerged from this project alive, let alone still as good of friends as we all still are. But we did it. That doesn't, however, mean that it didn't prove daunting in terms of mounting another feature of my own for a while now. And while I still had songwriting (which I'd returned to during sophomore year) to fall back on, my creative and emotional energies were both shot by the end of the summer.
So, what was I going to do to cure this? Why, head back up to Bloomington, of course! That'll fix everything! But don't just go back to Bloomington, make sure you also waste the entire summer wishing it away and pissing your time away complaining about how much the summer sucks and how much better everything is going to be when you get back to school! After all, "the apartment is going to be the spot," right?
Well, it didn't really turn out that way. Throughout the summer, even as my energies and emotional hunger were being drained steadily without my even entirely realising it, I still maintained a relatively firm grip, so to speak; I was still recognizably the same person, even if the things that used to matter to me didn't seem to matter as much as they'd used to. But within the first two weeks of being back here, I came completely unglued. You all remember this. I don't need to go over it again. Suffice it to say it was thus far the worst, most emotionally wrenching period of my entire life, and those of you who were there for me can credit yourselves entirely for the preservation of my sanity, as well as for being the most wonderful, supportive friends and human beings on earth. You know who you are.
The point is, you know, when it came time to go back up to Bloomington after coming home for Harvest Homecoming, I found myself not wanting to go. Now, this wouldn't be such a big deal, especially considering how terrific of a time I'd had that weekend, but it's worth mentioning that I'd been filled with that exact same dread every single time I'd ever gone back to Bloomington, with the exception of the end of this summer, and we all know how much good that enthusiasm did. And it really got me thinking, you know? I mean, I'd thought about transferring before, in freshman year, but by this point I'd gotten comfortable (read: scared of change), if not happy, here at IU. But at this point, I really found myself at a crossroads. After two whole years of dreading being here and always looking forward to being anywhere other than here, the thought finally occurred to me: why am I still here? Why don't I do something about this? If something is going wrong in my life, do I just do nothing and let it get worse and just embitter myself further and make myself try less and less in school (where the prospects were growing increasingly bleak as far as classes were concerned as well) and in other areas of my life, until my nerves have finally been rubbed so raw that I'm incapable of understanding or caring about anyone or anything anymore? Or do I, for the first time in my ever-fuckin' life, actually take some sort of initiative steps to making my situation better?
I chose the latter. And I don't think I'm being presumptuous when I say I don't think I'll regret this decision.
On August 27, 2003, I was in the back of my dad's van, riding up to Bloomington for my freshman move-in day. I was listening to The Yes Album, and as we drove into Bloomington, the song "Perpetual Change" came on. This town was bustling and full of promise, and as I rolled right into the hornet's nest, the line "you'll see perpetual change" seemed to really represent the optimism and good feelings I had about moving here and going to school here. Well, that optimism didn't always prove founded, but I think it could probably be argued that the prediction foretold in that lyric turned out to be pretty accurate.
Although I must say, I think my mindset nowadays is probably better summed up by the song I'm listening to right now.
-The Bountiful Hunter
|
|
|
[10 Dec 2005|06:05pm] |
"Believe me, cause you motherfuckers don't know, man: life is the best fuckin' thing there is. You can't beat it with a stick."
|
|
| The Littlest Frog |
[04 Dec 2005|10:08pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
contemplative |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
big star - what's going ahn |
] |
The comparison between this past week and the one that preceded it make a pretty much irrefutable, proof-positive case that leaving Gloomington is in every way the right decision. The dark clouds are on the horizon in this city, and they're only getting darker and looming more and more imminently with each passing day. Call it melodramatic if you like, but you have no idea. I'm not even sure if I have any idea either, but I just know that it's not good. Everyone's got it bad, and that ain't good.
I don't claim to know how things will go down in Bowling Green, but I at least have to have some confidence in my hope that it will be better than this (not that that's saying a lot). I wonder sometimes what it will be like to actually live there, how it will change what it represents to me. Right now, Bowling Green to me is like this special place I go, where I always arrive after a long boring drive and I get off the expressway and drive into the town and I always, for some reason, listen to Badfinger "Perfection" whilst doing so and it always seems like a place full of so much promise. This is what gives me such a good feeling about it. Yes, I know the psychodynamic will change enormously when I'm actually living there, but I dunno. I, for some reason, am in a measured state of good spirits about this move. I've learned by this point to never get too excited about anything in my life, but I don't think I'm jinxing anything by being just a tad confident that if nothing else, the atmosphere certainly can't be any worse down there.
I hope everything is okay with everyone. This week has completely reshuffled and rearranged a lot of people's lives it seems like, and I just hope everyone comes out of it happy. I'm not sure that's going to be the case, but I want it to be that way. I dunno. It just seems like lately, a lot of just basic truths that I've long taken for granted have come under fire, and it's weird.
I'm totally not even writing this livejournal entry anymore. I've been talking about and doing other stuff for the last few minutes, and I realise that this is symptomatic of my general attitude toward livejournal lately. I posited a theory today that it's like, first people had personal websites with lots of varied information on them, and then those devolved to blogs, where people just wrote strictly about themselves in strictly regimented "entries," and then that devolved to humans now being capable of being boiled down to lists of favorite bands and movies, like on facebook. Oh well. I'm not going to be one of those people who complains about it but yet is still totally part of it. I mean, I'm in college, it's my time to have stupid shit like facebook. It's not like I'm going to still have this stuff when I'm like, 30. Because you know there are people who do, and I mean, come on. WHO is gonna go around doing that crap, like it's the thing to do.
Hey guys. Big Star. Real good stuff. #1 Record and Radio City come highly recommended by yours truly.
-Disk Vital
|
|
| why let these hooligans tear down the biz? |
[02 Nov 2005|03:54pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
contemplative |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
depeche mode - john the revelator |
] |
You know,
It's weird. I've been thinking lately about the fact that a lot of seismic changes have been occurring in so many people's lives, and I've noticed that it seems like everyone else has so much distance from it. I don't know what it is that has caused this to be so, but I feel like nobody really seems to know what's going on with each other anymore. I hate that this is the case, and I don't know what to do. I just feel like there's such an enormous gulf between myself and the goings-on in my friends' lives, and just as big of a gulf between my friends and what's going on in my life. And not just my friends, either: I honestly feel right now like most of my family doesn't even know a lot of what's going on and I don't know what's going on with them either. This is all really confusing and that's why this makes so little sense.
See, this is what I mean: I feel like it used to be so easy to communicate ideas to everyone, and I feel like it's not easy anymore. I don't know why this is. I just want to be able to sit here and type stuff and for it to make sense to everyone, but it just seems like it doesn't.
Maybe it's just that I feel like I haven't talked to certain people in a long time and that's why it may seem like there's this distance between myself and them, but I talk regularly to most of the people I'm talking about. So that's moot. I don't know even exactly what I mean anymore, I just feel a large degree of confusion right now in terms of where I stand with a lot of people.
For instance, I'm pretty sure most everyone knows this, but I'm not going to IU next semester. Like I said, I think most people know this, but it occurred to me the other day that there may be any number of people who didn't even know that yet. I'm transferring to WKU and I'm going to major in Mass Communications with a minor in film studies there. Now, I'm sure everyone would just LOVE to think they know my "real" reasons for transferring there, but if any of you actually think that, then I'd just like to let you know how full of shit you are. Case in point:
http://www.livejournal.com/~intermittenly/30097.html
http://www.livejournal.com/~intermittenly/43751.html
http://www.livejournal.com/~intermittenly/50936.html and several other references to it in other entries
Have I ever really liked it here? Has my experience here ever been any better than mediocre? That's the point. My entire college career up to this point has been defined by mediocrity, and the feeling of "yeah, it sucks, but it's not going to be any better anywhere else and I'm too lazy to try anyway." So thus, although any given person may think they just know everything about why I'm transferring and think that I'm doing it for the "wrong reasons," I'd like to remind them that if I were to stay here, it'd hardly be for the "right reasons," it'd only be because I was too lazy and scared to actually change my life for the better. So fuck you if you think you know ANYTHING about why I'm doing this. I never came to IU for the "right reasons" anyway. I came because when I applied for colleges, I basically knew about IU and U of L and that was it, and it was completely arbitrary which one I was going to choose, and then Keeler was like "yeah, if you come to IU we can be roommates" and I literally, on the spot was like "okay" and that was all it meant to me. I didn't know anything about colleges. THEN, when I knew what I wanted to do, everyone was all like "yeah, you're going to the wrong school," making it sound like "yeah, you idiot, didn't you know any better?" and I'm just like, no! How would I have known IU didn't have the program I wanted? How was I supposed to know anything about colleges? I don't know if some of you don't understand this idea, but my parents didn't go to college, and so to them, college is college, and they didn't know the difference between IU and anywhere else in terms of what kind of programs they had, and who else was going to tell me this stuff? Our school counselors? Like they did ANYTHING besides shoo us out of their office and hope we didn't make their workload bigger? And even if someone had told me what kind of programs IU had, it wouldn't have mattered because I didn't even know what I wanted to do. Back then, I didn't know I wanted to do film studies. I knew I wanted to make films, but I didn't know how you went about doing that. Now I know, and I also realise that WKU has a growing, thriving film program whereas IU has a program that basically subsists on the remnants of a program that never even was to begin with. IU's film program is "trying hard to recreate what has yet to be created," and to think it's the ideal place for an aspiring filmmaker would be What a Fool Believes.
I'm sorry for being so defensive about this. I don't know why I am, I just...I don't know. Sometimes I sense this real air of condescension in people when I tell them I'm transferring, kind of like "wow, he's really stupid, he's got a good thing going here at IU and he's throwing it all away for a girl." Well, I don't have a good thing going here. I hate my classes, and they're all classes that are in my major and that I should logically be enjoying immensely, and instead I dread every single one of them. No, I'm not sure that things will be any better at WKU, but I am sure that they certainly won't be worse, and if I'm going to waste my parents' money on this pointless education that I'll probably never be able to use, I might as well waste $5000 less of it a year, right?
So, knowing all this, I really don't think anyone is going to be able to look me in the eye and tell me one good reason why I should stay here in Doomington, the town I've hated since day one, home of the school I've despised all along, the place where I've wasted two years of my life pissing away an education and gaining virtually nothing from it, and which will leave me with one or two good memories that will inevitably pale in comparison to the thousands of dollars and the incalculable amount of time I've wasted here. But you know, I can't think like that. I can't think of it in terms of what might've happened had I transferred after freshman year (which I seriously considered), because I'd like to be able to think in some sick way at least that for one reason or another, it went like this for a reason. But what I CAN think of it in terms of is that I now recognize that I don't belong here, and I guess it's lucky that I realise this when I still have four more semesters left and I still have time to do something about it. I am 100% confident that I am making the right decision, so if anyone wants to still quibble with my supposed reasons for doing this, then take it up with me. I'm sorry if I sound paranoid but I just can't escape this feeling, even though it's probably just totally my imagination.
I'm really, really heartened when I look at some other people's situations and I realise that although this semester has really tested everyone's resolve and everyone's spirit, everyone is really showing some balls and being like "you know, my situation sucks, but I don't have to just take it, I can actually take proactive steps to change it." Like how Ian changed his major and stuff, which I applauded wholeheartedly. It's like that for me. There's something better out there, and I don't have to just sit here and gather moss because it's hard or daunting to go through the transfer process. I'm doing this because I have to. And if anyone wants to think that I'm just "doing this for a girl," well, maybe that might have something to do with the fact that said girl has made me understand something I didn't understand before, which is that maybe, MAYBE my life might actually be worth doing something to change it for the better rather than just accepting mediocrity, and if it means taking an uncertain and seemingly crazy step to achieve that, then that's a risk I'm completely willing to take.
Sorry if this has seemed preachy or self-centered or silly or paranoid or anything, these are just some things I've had on my mind lately, and I really, really, really feel like a HUGE weight has been lifted just by my sitting and writing this. I think that now, I'll be easier to communicate with because I've put all this out in the open and whatnot.
I feel a lot better. Now it's time to go make some hot dogs with dill relish.
Until next time, keep it smooth, fellas.
|
|
| (FCR stationery logo here) |
[05 Oct 2005|12:25am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 accomplished |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
1997 |
] |
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
ERIC CONDON
"HUMORED"
NEW ALBUM, 06 OCTOBER 2005
Official final track listing, as of 12:40 a.m., 05 October 2005
1. World Flippy Cup Championship Theme (4:24)
2. I'm Not In Love With You (7:49)
3. Long-Distance Symbiotic Relationship (3:49)
4. Evan Boles (4:52)
5. I Don't Need You No. 2 (4:39)
6. I've Become Everything I've Ever Hated (3:58)
7. Affection (2:40)
8. I Don't Need You (3:30)
9. 1997 (8:03)
TOTAL TIME: 44:02
Nine new songs, all obviously written by Eric Condon.
Although it's probably pretty presumptuous to assume that anyone wants one, I'll go ahead and leave this as an easy way to get ahold of me, so comment if you want me to have a copy ready for you this weekend.
This message has been brought to you by Flaming Chip Records and Spare Tire Entertainment, Inc.
|
|
| G-A-W-D |
[03 Oct 2005|01:54am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
optimistic |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
morrissey - the loop |
] |
Yeah, I did it. I finally made a livejournal icon that actually is of me. Are you happy now? Probably not.
I don't think I know a single person for whom this past month wasn't the most difficult, trying period of their entire life. I mean, really. Everyone I know had shit go down that really messed them up. At the beginning of the month I was as close to wanting to kill myself as I'd ever been in my life, and I think I had it pretty easy, comparitively.
But the thing is, it's over. It's a new month and, after all of us kinda banded together and saw each other through this rough shit, I get the feeling everyone is starting to feel at least a little better. I know I am.
I just had what I really, truly think was one of the best weekends of my entire life, if not the best. After the pattern of the last few weekends, one would have every reason to believe this one would suck as much, but somehow, it overcame the seemingly insurmountable odds working against it (including a truly nasty case of HIVES which I hadn't gotten since I was SIX years old and which suddenly reappeared last week) and turned out to be as close to just flat out perfect as I can possibly imagine.
Also, I ate at Zaxby's and in case anyone was wondering, I happened to consume ZAX sauce when I was there. Just so you know.
So anyway, yeah, although this week will surely be filled with ridiculous bullshit school tedium (although Rosh Hashanah is breaking up my Hebrew week very nicely), I now stand on the precipice of yet another awesome weekend, coming up in 4 days, in which I will go home for Harvest Homecoming, in which all the elements that made this weekend so great will be in place, along with a bevy of additional friends and Polish sausage. So all in all, I feel pretty great, honestly. In fact, "I'm alright. Don't worry about me. I can keep the fire by myself!"
|
|
| but when your profession is humiliation |
[25 Sep 2005|02:14pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 bile |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
morrissey - the teachers are afraid of the pupils |
] |
Last night really only served to reaffirm to me a few basic truths that I already knew. One, I am not a party person. I have absolutely no business being at any college parties. I hate everything about them. I hate the culture that surrounds them, I hate the idea behind each one, I hate the degradation that people have to submit themselves to just to go to them, and most of all, I never even have a good time at them.
Last night Blake and I were drafted to attend an IU "Pimps and Hoes" party. I'd never been to one of these, so I thought it sounded interesting. Now, bear in mind, I still don't drink. I don't want anyone to get the impression that when I say I went to a party, it means I drank, because I didn't, for the same reason that this has been the case my entire life, which is that it's just not my thing.
Anyway, Blake and I hyped this party up to monumental proportions that we should've realised could only end up disappointing us. This lack of foresight proved to be problematic when, upon arriving, we discovered this to be seriously the lamest party I've ever seen in my life. For one, the guy-to-girl ratio was about 50:1, plus everyone there was pretty much boring, drunk and totally not the kind of people I have any interest in spending any time around. And also, did I mention that by "Pimps and Hoes" party they apparently meant guys were supposed to either be in their underwear or dressed like women?
So yeah, we only stay there about 20 minutes. But Blake decides to cut out early because he was in a weird mood (which I understood completely, but I wasn't ready to go home yet), so I decided to go with Chino to this frat (yes, you heard that right) party. Displaying the usual sensitivity, tact, and excellent taste typically associated with frat guys, the theme of this party, held in September 2005, was "Mardi Gras," but there was nothing else to do, so Chino and I haul like 10 drunk people there only to be turned away by some asshole bouncer who apparently thought this party, at which some shitty bar band was playing PEARL JAM covers, was so exclusive that us non-pledges weren't worthy. Oh well.
So then, we sit around for like a half an hour trying to think of somewhere else to go, and we wind up getting these two Collins guys bragging about girls they'd fucked like, 20 minutes beforehand, and going to two parties in the Villas. At the first one, the girl having the party bitches out a bunch of people because one of Chino's friends took off without paying for his beer, and demanded $4 from "one of you guys" (almost prompting me to breathe in her face and ask if she smelled alcohol, and if not, then to fuck off). At the other (which consisted of like, 10 guys and that's it), some drunk guy we were inexplicably with managed to knock down the owner's shelf of used liquor bottles, prompting this HUGE guy to be like "I'm giving you 10 seconds to get out of my apartment before I fucking kill you." So we bolt, but the guy FOLLOWS the drunk guy out, whines that he'd "destroyed their memories," and once again threatens to KILL the guy and claiming he had a taser. This was the kind of situation where I'm just like, "what the FUCK am I doing here? I don't know any of these people except Chino, I'm embarrassed to be associating with most of them, I'm not drinking nor do I have any intention to, and I hate this whole scene and every single thing associated with it."
At each one of these parties, I found myself, the whole time, just repeating over and over again to myself, "I'd so much rather be at home right now, curled up with someone, watching a movie." And when I got home at 4, I had absolutely nothing to show for my trouble. I didn't have a good time. I didn't even have one of those weird, unhappy nights where you feel weird but you learn something about yourself. I was just bored at each one, and it made me realise just how much I'm so the kind of person who's better off just having a girlfriend and typically just staying in and eating and hanging out and watching movies and shooting the shit and stuff, with a girl or even just with my friends.
I really don't see myself ever going to a party at which I don't know anyone again. I've only done this random party-hopping thing like, 2 or 3 nights here in Bloomington, but I'm done. I'm sick of it and it's only made me hate it even more than I already did. Doing this kind of thing, you really see the culture up close, and it's more sickening than I ever could've imagined. You go to these parties where they're like "yeah, it's $5 for guys, but free for girls," and I'm just thinking, what's that supposed to mean? What are you getting at? You just think that if you make it easier for girls to drink, they're automatically going to "pay you back" in blowjobs? Oh, wait, I forgot: THAT IS WHAT HAPPENS. THAT'S HOW THE PARTY SCENE WORKS. FUCK this misogynistic, neanderthal rape culture. I hate it and I'm not going to be part of it. I don't care if I'm at home on Saturday nights from now on sitting on the internet, I'm not doing this shit anymore. Fuck you, IU, and fuck your bullshit parties. I don't need them and no longer are you going to have the satisfaction of knowing you even reeled me in to going to them on an "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" basis.
I'm done with it all. And I don't even care. It's over.
-Mr. Body Massage Machine GO
|
|
| "It sucks they got him to be the Hammer" |
[21 Sep 2005|06:48pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
wish i was hungry |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
badfinger - baby blue |
] |
The one time I come in and get my homework done early, no one is online and nothing's going on. Typical.
It seems like this school year is the one where everyone really starts having to deal with some serious shit. I can only hope that for me, the worst is over, because as far as my predicament was concerned, I don't even care anymore. But for everyone else, I'm still worried and I hope everything turns out okay for everyone. Really, I think that coming home for Harvest Homecoming will do everybody a load of good. I know that for me, right now, going home would hit the spot, but it's not going to happen, because I'm not going to make a habit of it this year. I did that last year, and I don't wanna do it again, if for no other reason other than that I can't afford the gas. I've already been home once this year and it wasn't particularly fun, but it was pretty much what I expected: we got so bored that we wound up going GROCERY SHOPPING on a Saturday night. Not just walking around the grocery store, mind you, but actually RUNNING THE ERRAND OF SHOPPING FOR GROCERIES for Ian's family. But, as we've also learned, Bloomington is scarcely any better, considering that this past weekend we didn't do SHIT and the week before, going to that sweltering shithole with 7-foot-tall Ben Folds lookalikes running around in short shorts because its "funny" was apparently supposed to pass for a fun night out. Something has got to give as far as like, this whole Bloomington being boring shit. This past weekend showed just how dependent Blake and I are on Chino for our hanging out hookup, because without him, we're reduced to sitting around on Saturday night watching 1994 videos on Launch.com.
But yeah, like I said, I think coming home for a few days will do everybody good. I know I, for one, am excited about it, for a couple of reasons. And the best thing about it is, it's only two weeks from tomorrow that I go home AW SHIT SON
Everyone should download this song by my new favorite band, who I can't understand why I haven't gotten into before now considering my dad has been into them for like 30 years. And while you're at it, download Aimee Mann's version of this song too, since it's only the song where she basically bit her whole style from. But I can't blame her.
-Infamous Dave
|
|
|
[18 Sep 2005|11:59pm] |
|
Shit's wack.
Seriously. Everybody I know is going through something right now it seems like.
And I just want everyone to be okay.
|
|
| Return of the Mack |
[10 Sep 2005|01:05am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
tentatively better |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
morrissey - reader meet author |
] |
After this week, I think I can really, truly say, with absolute certainty, that I have the most incredible and supportive friends in the entire world. Really. I'm so lucky to have each and every one of you for a friend, and I'm downright honored to call you that.
This period lately has been I would say the unhappiest time of my entire life, and the fact that I feel so much better right now is completely thanks to all of you. There is no way I can possibly even begin to try and express how much it means to me that you've all been there for me so much and have let me unload so much on you. You people are the best.
That said, I do feel a lot better. I don't know what it means that I do, but all I know is that I do. Other than that, I'm just really confused right now. But I'll take confusion over total hopelessness any day.
One way or the other, I'm going to live.
|
|
| You know what they say, Driving Miss Daisy |
[25 Aug 2005|03:35pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
apprehensive |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
XTC - Dame Fortune |
] |
I am in the Evermann computer lab right now updating this for the first time since I've been up here in Bloomington again. Note that I said I was in the Evermann computer lab, because our internet is STILL not hooked up.
I'm the only person in the lab right now, and this feeling pretty much sums up how I've felt the whole time since I got up here. It's pretty lonely. But I'm getting used to our apartment, and my oppressively, inhumanely tiny room is even beginning to feel sort of cozy in its own sick way.
I've been pretty depressed lately. You know they say that one of the major signifying factors of depression is that you don't feel like doing any of the things you love; well, that pretty much hits the nail on the head. I don't feel any desire lately to work on my script or to make any movies or to go look for records or watch movies or go eat or drive around or listen to music or even sit around and talk, or just in general to do anything at all. That's why I find myself doing things like playing spider solitaire for hours on end, or actually watching tv other than Days, which really bothers me that I find myself doing that lately. Sometimes this boredom works in my favor, like the other night when I got so bored that I wrote a story, but typically it's really not good for me and after a while it really honestly starts to bother me. I just feel like I have no means of being creative at all anymore. I feel like I want to write songs but I can't, and my script that I've been working on for months is going nowhere but I can't think of a new one, and right now there's absolutely nothing creative that makes me feel like it's worth my time to devote myself to, because I know it wouldn't be worth my while becase it would just turn out to be shit, just like every script or story or song I've ever written.
Before this morning, I think the last time that I'd been really, truly happy was that night we went swimming at Anthony's house the last time. But if that's the case, then it doesn't bode well for this year that this morning has been the first time my head has been above water this whole time in terms of feeling like I don't just want to drive my car off a cliff. This morning was terrific, but it was really, really short. I guess I should probably just get used to that, because something tells me the only times I'll ever enjoy myself this year will be really short and few and far between.
I don't even know why I'm still going on about this, because it's stupid and no one cares and I shouldn't be being this forthright in this stupid blog thing, but it honestly just feels good to write these things and to see them before me and to articulate them in some way that may almost begin to make sense at some time.
I am trying, really really trying, to get it together. We'll see how that works out for me.
|
|
| I can't take it anymore, I have to do it too. |
[04 Aug 2005|06:12pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
beanz |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
MaimonIdeas - Make Me Cry |
] |
1. Reply with your name and I'll respond with something random about you.
2. I'll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
3. I'll pick a flavor of jello to wrestle with you in.
4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me.
5. I'll tell you my first memory of you.
6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll ask you something that I've always wondered about you.
8. If I do this for you, you must post this on your journal.
I'm typing this on my new COMPAQT computer
|
|
| Let's go see Fingers |
[24 Jul 2005|01:39pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 Boca |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
new order - JTTstream |
] |
I don't know if there's a popular slang term for what I did last night, but there needs to be one. I know that the term "cock-block" exists, and from what I can tell, what I did was like, the polar opposite of this, as in going above and beyond the call of duty to ensure that a cock, far from being blocked, would indeed have nothing standing in its way. I don't know what this would be. Cock assist? Yeah, I think that's the one.
All that aside, I'm ready to get all this computer crap taken care of and for this summer to be over. Bloomington this year is going to be way, way, way, way, way better than the last two years. I can tell.
"Look what you did to my steakhouse."
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
intermittenly's journal